I would like to give my audience a lesson today on certain acceptable and unacceptable etiquettes/behaviors when shopping. We all shop and there's always someone who has to deal with you at the store. So don't suck.
First lesson. When you go to purchase your goods and the cashier asks you how you are doing today, these are acceptable answers:
"Fine", "Good", "OK", "Great", "Fantastic", "Stupendous", "Well", etc. Pretty much anything positive like that will work.
The following are not acceptable:
"Plastic", "Paper", "How are you?" (I asked first and you didn't answer me), "Horrible", "Not so great", or no response at all.
It's just a polite (and rhetorical) question, people. I don't need you to act like a stiff and say nothing. I don't need you to pour out your soul to me. I didn't know plastic was a mood. I don't need to know about how little Johnny is giving you grief at home and Sally is sleeping with half the neighborhood. I'm not your dad, therapist, or best friend. I know, I'm so harsh.
Lesson Two. Get off your phone. You're loud. Not only do I not want to know about Sally, but neither does the rest of the store. And it's kind of rude. Especially when you pay no attention to what you're doing. "Hang on a minute, Judy. This man is inconveniencing me, trying to get me to pay for my groceries in his line while I fumble around in my purse and get dirty looks from everyone behind me." Sorry, my bad.
Lesson Three. Don't whine to me about our store policies. I can't do anything about them. And they're policies for a reason.
Four. When I put my hand out to accept your check or cash, don't proceed to throw it on the counter right in front of me. My hands are really big, you couldn't have missed them. I don't care if you pay with ten dollars in nickels, just don't make me spend the next five minutes picking it all up after you could clearly see my hand willingly ready to take it.
Five. If you decide at the checkstand you don't want to get something, just give it to me. Don't try to be all sneaky and hide it behind People magazine. I see you almost every time. As much as I love finding rotten string cheese nesting between Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt on page 56, it's just a lot easier if you let us take care of it.
Six. Ok, this one isn't really my choice, just an opinion. If your kid (or kids) is screaming bloody murder all through the store, take care of it. Punish the annoying little goober. My mom would drop everything and take us straight to the car. Bribing them with all the candy in the store so they'll stop is an awesome way to make your kid a brat for life.
Seven. When you insist something is ringing up the wrong price, you're usually wrong. If I tell you I'm sure it's correct because I've been dealing with it all week, trust me. If I'm not sure, we'll send someone to find out for you. Just make sure you are looking at the right sign. It's slightly awkward when you're fuming mad at me for being wrong and we walk over together to look, only to find out you were looking at the wrong sign, and then I have to be really nice to you and say, "Oh don't worry, happens all the time. They're real tricky with those signs, putting them right in front of the product like that...." Also, don't get mad at me and think you should get the 5 lb. bag of Hershey's chocolates for a dollar because they were in the wrong spot next to the Bit O' Honey's. It was some moron like you that put them there, not me.
Eight. Don't put your bread at the bottom of your cart, put a 25 lb. bag of sugar on top of it, and then tell me you need some new bread because yours somehow got smashed. I will be tempted to smash something else, probably a body part belonging to you. Do I sound angry?
Ok, lesson's over. There's plenty more, I just can't think of them right now. Just use a little common sense. It's a great quality that seems to be escaping so many these days. And don't get mad. It's a grocery store, people, not healthcare reform. Have a nice day! Come in again!
